who I’m becoming

I have found my soulmate.
I have a life goal.
I have a job.
I am going to college.

I have been figuring life out for myself… but…..
something’s missing.

 

I’m not going to lie. I know exactly what has been missing, and as much as I think about it… I can’t seem to make myself change. Life is going faster than it has been, and my mind has been on other things. I just keeping putting it off, or rather Him off.

 

My Savior is missing from my life. He’s there, as always… but, I’m not giving Him the recognition or spending as much time with Him as He deserves. I keep putting things in front of Him.

 

Dear God, I’m sorry.

this one’s for the girls

Today, I realized how incredibly lucky I am to have such a good relationship.

I’m 19 and most girls my age (at least the ones I know of) are either:

-on and off constantly with their boyfriend
-settling for a terrible boyfriend because they don’t think they can find anyone else
-convincing themselves that “every couple fights all the time,” when, in fact, not every couple fights ALL the time.
-standing by while their boyfriend flirts, talks to, or looks at other girls in that certain way.
-being terrified to break it off with their boyfriend, because they’ve been together for so long.
-constantly telling themselves that “it will get better… we just need some work” when everyone knows the -relationship is just not meant to be.
-letting others think the relationship is perfect, when they know it is VERY far from perfect.
or just straight up letting themselves go on with a relationship that just doesn’t make them happy.

I know this not only because I hear about it constantly, but because I’ve experienced several of things all myself. I know what it’s like to feel stuck because you’re scared you won’t be able to make it without this certain person, or constantly trying to convince yourself that this person will change and that the relationship just needs some work, or even not thinking you can find anyone better. I know how this feels, and I know these are the cases for a lot of girls out there.

Well, I’m here to tell those girls something. You’re boyfriend, in most cases, is NOT going to get better. You WILL survive without them. And you WILL find someone better. All of you.

I now have a incredible relationship.

He and I lift each other up with encouragement and many, many compliments on a daily basis.
We support each others interests, and take part in all of them together.
We actually do not fight all the time.
We spend a ton of time together, and don’t get tired of each other.
We are spontaneous, and incredibly fun together.
We take the time to do thoughtful things for each other for no reason except to make the other happy.
and we both try to better ourselves not just for ourselves, but for the other.

And I believe everyone can have this relationship. Not just myself.

 

Also to the girls that absolutely have this relationship, but may be young like I am. I know some of you may have this problem, you love this certain person so much that you want EVERYONE to know. You enjoy spending time with this person, and you’d love to spend every day with him, too. Some people may think you’re a little obsessed.

Well, I have something for you girls too. Here’s a little not-so-secret: I’m one of you.
I talk about him quite often.
I brag about him often.
I enjoy having lots of pictures of him.
I do love spending as much time as I can with him.
And people often DO think I’m obsessed or naive…. that’s I’m just infatuated, maybe.

Well, I am in love. Absolutely.
I do this because I do not care what people think.
I want people to know that I genuinely care about this person.
I have no doubt in my mind that this is the person I’m going to be with for the rest of my life.

And I am not ashamed to show it.
No one should be.

So, if you really love and care about this certain person, show it when you want and how you want. There’s no use holding it back.

<3

my purpose

I do not think I have ever told anyone how much I really enjoy singing. I mean, my close friends and relatives all know I love to sing and I have for quite awhile, but I honestly don’t know if anyone knows how incredibly in love with it I am.

If there was one thing I could do for the rest of my life, I would absolutely, without a doubt in my mind, choose to sing. I’m a very soft spoken and timid girl. I wish I could say I have a big voice when I sing, because that might increase my chances of achieving this dream…. but, I’m quite the opposite. I have a quiet voice when I sing, even though I try so hard to be heard.

But, I just deeply long to sing my heart out (as cliche as it sounds) on stage in front of a crowd of people. I long for that crowd to sing back to me, my lyrics, along with me. I just so deeply desire this.

The only thing about this is…. I fear that it will never happen for me.

I just need someone to believe in me.

Life is not a competition

I realized something tonight. I tend to go through life thinking everything is a competition…. I think everyone is like this. Who’s prettier? Who’s smarter? Who’s more successful? Who does everyone like the most? Questions like these go through my mind everyday. I assume they go through many of your minds as well. I could be wrong, but I really don’t think I’m the only one that thinks this way. The truth, instead of  ”a little healthy competition” all this does is destroy us. Or maybe that’s just me. Either way, I think it’s time to stop. Stop comparing myself to every person that walks past me on campus, at the store, or even at church. It does nothing but continue to hurt me, and it only encourages me to be someone I was not meant to be just because I don’t see myself as good enough, pretty enough, or successful enough.

I just can’t do that to myself anymore. And if you’re reading this and can relate, please, try to change it. Believe me, I know it’s one of the hardest things to do… EVER. I have struggled with it for my whole life. It’s time to make the ones you love proud and more importantly right now, even though you usually may not think this way, it’s time to make yourself proud by just being simply who you are.

I’m not small anymore.

I am very small

I was reading a photographer’s blog that I follow almost religiously, and I came across a couple of words that describe how I’ve felt for as long as remember.

“I am feeling rather small”

By small, I mean, very insignificant. I feel like I should be doing something bigger…. like, I have more unique abilities than I even know. I am feeling small, but have been longing to be big for really as long as I can remember. I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to be doing.

On a different thought…

Don’t rainy days encourage a very thoughtful mind? It’s raining today, and I can’t help but want to go outside on the porch and just think. Not worry about insignificant things like I usually do, but really think. Maybe I should start writing… I think I could do it. Yeah, maybe I will.

Sorry this post was rather random and all over the place…. that’s kind of how my brain has been working lately. Thank you for reading though, if you did. I seem to be getting views lately… at least a little. Thank you!

Becoming Jordan

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about who I’d like to be. I’m quite lost thinking about the subject… I just don’t know who I want to become. I mean, I have one passion above all. This passion being singing just doesn’t seem as though it’s ever going to happen. But, honestly, if I had to choose one thing to do for the rest of my life it would be to sing. I really am in love with it… but, am stuck trying to decide if I’m a good enough singer  and the fact that it’s nearly impossible for me to write song (I’ve tried so many times) doesn’t exactly feel very encouraging. Maybe I should just get out there and do something…. but, I’m just not sure.

As for the kind of character I’d like to be… I feel like I’m stuck in the “highschool girl” attitude… and I’m so ready to learn how to be a lady. A mature, well prepared, graceful, accomplished woman. I want to be someone that Matt is proud to be with. I don’t want to be a hopelessly emotional teenage girl anymore. I worry too much and let my emotions take over far too many times. I want to learn how to be more understanding, more elegant, just more of a real woman. I’m very ready for it.

Pride & Prejudice

Yes, this post is exactly about what you are thinking… the movie Pride & Prejudice.

My mom had been telling me I needed to watch this movie for quite some time now, and it was on TV about two weeks ago so we recorded it and I finally watched it. I am absolutely in love with everything about that movie. I don’t know how I went on so long without it. Seriously. I’ve watched everyday since the first time I watched it…. yes, I know that’s a little pathetic. I’m just that way though, seriously, when I get really into something, most often it’s movies, I’ll watch it everyday. I did the same this with Enchanted, 27 Dresses, He’s Just Not That Into You, Rent, and Hairspray. But Pride and Prejudice is just everything I love mashed into one absolutely beautiful movie.

Old-fashioned dresses and manners, a very misunderstood and lovely Mr. Darcy, a not-so-average Elizabeth Bennett, a sweet fatherly Mr. Bennett, beautiful songs, perfect summer weather and environment, and everything else perfect.

I’m currently reading the book also, because I’m sure I will love it even more.

Just thought I’d share that, because it’s what has been invading my mind for the past two weeks.

The First Week

It’s the weekend so I know, I’m a little late on this blog. But, I thought I’d tell you about my very first week of college.

Well, on Monday morning I woke up about two hours earlier than I was planning to as result of being so anxious. At first, I wasn’t very tired… I actually felt wide awake… but, that definitely went away not long after I got to school. Luckily, my classes weren’t very long, since it was the first day and all…. both of them let out early. (: Speaking of those classes, they were Music In Life aka music appreciation and Basic News Reporting. The professors seemed pretty exciting. More animated rather than boring. The classes seem pretty fun actually. I really don’t mind learning about music, the parts of music, and where it originally came from. Rather opposite from how others may feel. I think I may have even made a new friend in that class. I sit by her, so she’s at least a potential friend. My classes start a little later on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which I don’t mind because they allow me to sleep in…. even though, I kind of like getting done with my classes earlier in the day. These classes are College Math and Photography. My math professor is actually really funny and goofy in the way he talks and acts. He’s a mix between my Jr. High Algebra teacher and Jr. High English teach (my favorite teacher EVER.) My photography class is two hours long, which is about 30 minutes longer than my other three classes. But, if I had to choose one class to be longer, it would be photography… just because I really enjoy it. I’m actually really excited to learn how to use my 35mm properly and how to develop film in an actual darkroom. Fancy!

Now, on to the non-class related things about college. It is so much different that High School. I say this because, in college, it’s totally acceptable to just keep to yourself and do your own thing. That’s what most people are doing anyways. I’ve always been this way… I mean, of course, I socialized quite a bit in high school… but I don’t really mind just being by myself and hardly talking to anyone at Rose. Alone time is nice… and it helps to get things done faster. Although, I’m sure I’ll make friends and not be by myself ALL the time… I’m really okay with being alone for right now.

I like college. It makes me feel like an adult.

tomorrow is the day

My first day of college. First class is at nine thirty.

So. Nervous.

I’ll tell you how it went!!!

p.s. my boyfriend owned Donkey Kong tonight.
<3

orientation

Well, since I said I was going to post mainly about my journey of starting college I figure I might as well tell you that today was Freshmen Orientation. I didn’t even think they had those because it’s a community college and it seems to me that everyone just keeps to themselves. Anyways, yeah, today from 9 to 1 I went went to my new college with my mom for orientation. My mom couldn’t stay for long, because she had to work… but conveniantly she works at Rose State.

My mom also picked up my textbooks before she went to work, so now I’m all set for my first classes starting Monday. AH! I’m kind of nervous, but excited to feel a little more indepenedence!!

Today has been such a busy day. I’m so tired.